Political Comedy

Poll: Majority Want Impeachment Hearings To Continue As Long As Possible So Congress Will Be Too Busy To Meddle With Our Lives



U.S.—A new poll released Wednesday revealed that the majority of the nation want impeachment hearings to continue as long as possible so that Congress will be too busy to meddle with our lives.

70% of the nation agreed that the House was doing a "fine job" on the impeachment hearings, saying that it's great that Congress is doing something other than pass terrible laws for once. 5% responded to the survey by saying they would prefer Congress stop the hearings and do their jobs, while a strong 25% said they weren't even aware impeachment hearings were going on. This latter group is the happiest of the bunch.

The impeachment inquiry has even sparked something of a revival, as people across the country are praying that impeachment hearings will go on indefinitely so that politicians in Washington will be too distracted by them to bother us very much.

"Lord, please let Adam Schiff and his people take as long as they need," said one man in California during his nightly prayers. "May they call millions of witnesses, investigate every lead, and leave no stone unturned. May they speak slowly. May they investigate all the way through Trump's second term and---dare I ask too much?---his third and fourth terms too."

"Please, Lord---the more distracted Congress is, the better for all of us."

Impeachment Ratings Skyrocket After Introducing Agitated Horde Of Honey Badgers




WASHINGTON, D.C.—Congress has been having problems getting anyone to watch the impeachment trial, since everyone wants to do more productive things like argue on the internet or play video games.

But the trial's ratings quickly rebounded after producers released an angry horde of honey badgers into the Senate chambers.

"Now this I'll watch," said one man in Texas, sitting up and watching with rapt attention as a frantic Adam Schiff attempted to fight a honey badger off with his shoe. "That's what I'm talking about -- quality entertainment."

"Watch your back, Mitch!" he screamed as two honey badgers leaped onto Mitch McConnell's head.

Producers had reportedly met to come up with ways to get viewers. They discussed everything from holding the proceedings in the middle of a monster truck rally to having Adam Schiff strap himself into some water skis and jump over a shark. But finally, they settled on the honey badgers.

"Americans aren't interested in the ins and outs of a technical trial like this, but they'll tune in to watch politicians fight for their lives against honey badgers," one executive producer of the program said. "Vicious little guys. If Firefly had only introduced a horde of honey badgers, it would probably be on its 18th season by now."

The honey badgers left no survivors, causing Congress's approval ratings to increase sharply.